Day 12: Parental Guidance

One day I woke up and my parents were wearing elastic pants and Velcro shoes. Literally, one day... It happened. I left their house, went to sleep in my own bed at my own place and when I saw them again, they looked old to me.

I mean no offense to my parents when I say that. They are in their 70's and they have always looked much younger. But the last few years have aged them. This last 6 months has been particularly difficult. My dad has had two surgeries and I've watched my mom lose her glasses about 12 or 15 times. ( I won't tell you some of the places I've found them.)

My relationship with my parents is probably the relationship that I am least comfortable writing about or discussing. Partly because we have not always been close but mostly because the weight of the guilt I feel because I am not incredibly close to them is unbearable. But no matter the closeness between a child and a parent, watching your mom and dad grow old is saddening and maddening and scary.

For the last few years, I have lived with my parents. I call them my roommates which makes them laugh. Tonight, on the news, an anchor recounted a story about the last big snow storm in St. Louis during which a man had the opportunity to get to know his neighbor. The man and his neighbor are now married. I laughed. I am not going to meet anyone new in my building when I get snowed in! But I have gained a lot of knowledge while living here. I have heard tremendous stories of their childhoods and I've sat quietly, watching them hold hands or listening to them have the same conversation they had yesterday and the day before.

They watch old movies as if it's the first time they've seen them and they are scared to death of technology. Yet they are light years ahead of many of their counterparts who are stuck in their "ways." They are often surprisingly open-minded and all they really want is happiness for my sister and I. I remember one day as I wallowed in self-pity, my mom offered to give me every dime she had if it would make me happy. They feel responsible for how satisfied we are in life and part of that is because times weren't always easy growing up.

I am grateful for this time we've had. Do I miss my alone time? Yes. Do I cherish late nights after they've gone to bed and any opportunity I get to take a long hot bath? Of course. Do I often wish that someone else could be here to help them out and that I could just visit or come to dinner once in a while? Most definitely. And I feel horrible about it. Because they have given me a lot.

I know that in spite of the parental guidance I've received that I did not turn out they way they thought I would. You never know what your going to get with your kids. I imagine it's even more of a gamble when you adopt! But on the days when my mom says, "You're a really good person, Michele" and the moments when my dad says he's proud of me, I know that there's still hope for me to make the mark and do right by them. I choose not to think about what I would do without them. I must do a better job of enjoying my time with them. But a little apartment around the corner might be in order!

Day 11: Keeping Up

Over the last couple of years, I have spent a lot of time catching up with old friends, former classmates and former co-workers. Two summers ago, my high school classmates gathered for a weekend to celebrate the 20th anniversary of our graduations. Last summer, my grade school classmates and I celebrated our 25th reunion. On the first Friday of every month, I have lunch with Monique, one of my former Purina co-workers. And this week, I will get to see a handful of my other former co-workers.

There is great comfort in surrounding yourself with people who have walked the formative steps of life with you. The only folks who remember sitting beside you on carpet squares in Mrs. Droste's kindergarten class in 1976 or repelling down the wall at Forty Legends in 6th grade are the people who experienced it with you. The only ones who know how nervous you were moments before taking the stage as the Mother Abbess in The Sound of Music or what it felt like to be the first class to walk through the giant wooden ring (courtesy of Mr. Scotino) are the people who were there. The only ones who endured legal meetings and client meetings and 50 hour work weeks are the people who did it with you.

Greater comfort comes in reuniting or keeping up with those people across a lifetime and discovering that in some ways time stands still. All change is not scary. In fact, often times, life changes bring you close to people you never thought you'd let past your emotional walls or who you had nothing in common with or who you thought you would ever be friends with.

I count myself one of the luckiest people in the world because I have the same best friend today that I had when I was 2 years old. (We survived arguments over my Andy Gibb album & cans of Aqua net.) I frequently have dinner with groups of women with whom I went to high school which always results in hours of side-splitting laughter and a couple of times each year I get to see grade school classmates who were an integral part of the first 14 years of my life. Also, in the last few years, my teammates from college and I have started getting together again. That is certainly a time in my life which nobody else can understand or relate to except them. And I have left every job with at least one life-long friend who has been a part of the important dates in my life since.

Keeping up with all of them is not easy but the reward that comes in making the effort cannot be measured. Making time and making sure that too much time doesn't pass between connections sometimes seems impossible. But keeping up keeps me honest. It keeps me grounded. And it keeps reminding me that there are some amazing people in this world and I am lucky to call them "friend."

Day 10: Painting My Own Escape

When I was a kid, I had a pad of paper & a pencil nearby most of the time. I loved to sketch out pictures of my future. I was a dreamer in every sense of the word. As I got older and got a taste of the real world, I stopped sketching but I eventually fell in love with painting. I am not trained. I paint only with acrylics. I can copy design if I am asked but I prefer to paint what I feel or see in my own mind. Most of my painting ends up on children's furniture or some kid's bedroom wall. It is intensely time consuming and I could never make a living from it because I could never charge what it's really worth. And I wouldn't want to because it's my escape from work and other stresses.

My nephew, who is my pride and joy, takes after me in many ways. I know that seems impossible since my sister and I are adopted but it's true. He loves to cook and enjoys painting as well. As often as possible, Kirk & I run off to paint pottery or a lonely, blank canvas that's been sitting in the garage. Sharing this hobby with him brings me ultimate happiness. And his appreciation for the arts, at only eight years old, is admirable.

It's important to have something that you do. Something that you enjoy. It has to be something that allows you time away from work or your kids or your husband. You have to be able to paint your own escape to "me time," to explore your passion and to maintain your sanity. Holding on to something you like to do brings a sense of fulfillment to your life which, in turn, allows you to keep giving to those around you.

Day 9: Let Him Fly

Dear every guy I've ever dated,

I'm writing you to say good-bye. For some of you, it's been a while since we've spoken. So this might seem a little silly. But I think it's time to end our relationships for good, permanently, without looking back or wondering if you'll ever change or if maybe our timing was just bad and if you'll just show back up again some day. It's time to say good-bye. Not farewell or see you later or until we meet again but... good-bye.

I have an ex who once said, "exes are exes for a reason" and I always thought that was ridiculous. I mean, even though you are no longer dating a guy or in a relationship with him, he still has some redeeming qualities. You might not love him but you had to at least like him at some point so you could be friends with him, right? Wrong. My ex, who is most definitely an ex for a reason and who was rarely right, had nailed this theory (& many other women while we were together). He was right on.

We experienced the unforgettable at times. You told me that you thought I was pretty and it was the first time I heard it from anyone other than my parents. What an enchanting moment! That first kiss was delightful. There's nothing like being kissed by someone you think is so dreamy. The butterflies feel like they will burst up from your belly and fly out of your mouth! I may have pulled the wilting pedals off the flowers you sent me but I did it so I could save them and preserve the beautiful scent forever. Drives in the rain, watching planes take off, stargazing... All unforgettable. You helped me grow and figure out who I am. You taught me that I am strong and capable and smart. You showed me that I can do anything I set my mind to and that I don't need to settle for less. Ever again. You taught me that the old saying that "men don't change" is a lie. Men do change. For the right woman... And I clearly wasn't the right woman for you.

And we experience some regrettable times, most of which I'd rather not recap for the masses. (You lyin', cheatin', lazy, broke, unreliable so & so's are lucky this time.) You made me cry at times because I wondered why I couldn't be good enough or sexy enough or patient enough for you. Sometimes I felt like I had to take your crap because I didn't want to be alone. You helped me find the resolve to never let a man lay a hand on me. Ever again. And you led me to the realization that good enough, sexy enough and patient enough are all measures that you never even worry about when you're with the right guy.

So, again, it's time for our final good-bye. It's time for me to let you fly.

Day 8: Are We There Yet?

Keeping it short and sweet this time!

I am looking forward to being 40. It's the beginning of a new decade and a new chapter in my life. My 20's were wild and filled with exploration. I rarely slept and I struggled to feel comfortable in my own skin. My 30's arrived right on time. I was relieved to turn 30, to finally know who I was and become more decisive about what I wanted in my future. Half way through that decade, I learned the value in being well-rested and wearing comfortable shoes. Now, 40 is SO close I can almost taste it. I am like a kid in the car on the way to Disney World.

ARE WE THERE YET?

Day 7: All Things Connect

Maybe I'm a peace-loving hippy. Or maybe it's just that Native American spirituality pumping through my veins. But...

I believe that good begets good. I believe that we reap what we sow-- and not just because the Bible tells me so but because I know from experience. I believe in karma, which will make my Christian friends cringe.

I also believe that hatred festers. I believe that on a daily basis we perpetuate divisions in our lives, in this country and in our world by pouring salt in the wounds of others which, in turn, causes hatred to fester.

I believe that the more we talk about the differences between black & white & red & yellow, between Christian, Jew & Muslim, between Republican & Democrat, the bigger those differences seem and the more power we give them to widen the divide between us. I believe we should never lump a group of people together and decide to love or hate them.

I believe we should acknowledge the past, respect history and then join hands to move forward into the future. I believe that we should treat others as we'd like to be treated and that includes how we speak about others, our attitudes towards them when they aren't around and the thoughts that go through our heads but never escape our lips.

I am not perfect. I would never claim to be. But I believe I try to spread love and kindness. And I try to surround myself with others who do as well, no matter their race, religion, economic status, political party, sexual orientation, age or gender. The only difference I will not tolerate in my life is hatefulness. It's contagious. I believe that we should get beside ourselves and take a long hard look at what we are passing on to those around us.

Chief Seattle once said, "Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it. Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. All things are bound together. All things connect." He was speaking of how we treat the earth, our world around us. But it applies to how we treat other people as well.

Remember. Please. "All things connect."

Day 6: Your Not the ONLY One with a Birthday

Yes, mother, I know. I am not the only one on the face of the earth with a birthday at the end of February. My sister has a birthday too.

Much to my "little" sister's dismay,  we have shared a birthday for the last 35 years. She was sort of my 4th birthday present. My parents adopted her and brought her home 8 weeks after my birthday in 1975. I was over-joyed to have a sister and my excitement multiplied when I found out that her birthday was the day after mine.

What are the chances that you can adopt two kids, four years apart, and their birthdays will be just a day apart?

But this year, I'm 40. I think it's the first time I thought for a very brief moment that I might not want to share my birthday with anyone else. No offense to my sister of course.

But... my mom is right. I am not the only one with a birthday at the end of February or on the 27th exactly, for that matter.

John Dryden, who I went to grade school with, Josh Groban & Ralph Nader will be celebrating this coming February 27th too. And for years, I shared my day with Elizabeth Taylor.

So, this year, I will share my day with my sister for the 36th time. And my mom will not have to remind me!

Day 5: Good Girlfriends

My high school friends & I outside the old arena
after a Steamers soccer game.

For years, I have preached the benefits of a woman's relationships with other women. And there have been moments, in the midst of my sermonizing, that I have been betrayed by or treated very badly by other women but those experiences do not change my stance. Women need other women in their lives.

There have been scientific studies that have shown that having positive relationships with other women improves a woman's health. A Harvard study suggested that female friends improves quality of life by delaying the onset of stress-related health problems common to women and increased a woman's ability to deal with painful situations.



My college friends with a few of
the guys.


I have great friends. It's not because I always deserve them but it is because I have allowed myself to make new friends at every juncture of my life.

For those who are not convinced, here are my top twelve reasons that female friendships are important:

1. Only a woman will commiserate with you over cramps one minute, which seems girly and weak; and join you on the adventure of a lifetime the next like holding an alligator or flying 40 MPH up the side of a mountain on a snowmobile, which is awesomely brave and womanly.


My friend of almost 40 years, Diane.



2. Female friends will sit up with you all night in your new apartment because you're too afraid to be there alone. And they will paint a wall in that apartment with one hand while unpacking your kitchen with the other.

3. Chicks will see chick flicks with you because they want to. Not because they hope it will earn them points.



Cindy, Christy, Lori, Kate, Heather & I
on our girls' trip to Colorado.


4. Good girlfriends will not only take a road trip with you but they will let you listen to Richard Marx or Show Tunes or whatever music will make you happy.

5. Women will tell you that skirt makes your butt look big. They will tell you that you can get those adorable shoes at Payless.

6. They will share other secrets with you too like which hair removal products work best and where you can find those bras that provide support on the sides, suck in the back fat and lift & gather in the front.

Tiffany & I standing in line
for my audition for
America's Got Talent.

7. Girl friends will talk to you until you are done talking. And they will leave you alone when you say you want to be left alone. But not completely. They will text you until you are ready to talk again and come by your house until you are ready to go out again. And they will never REALLY leave you alone because they know you don't mean it. They know you're just hurting. And they get it. Completely.

Cindy & I on her
40th birthday.



8. Female friends will support you on the way up, catch you on the way down & encourage you to try again until you succeed.

9. Women travel in packs. Yes, that's a good thing. Haven't you heard that there is strength in numbers? There's safety in numbers too. And, if you go to the bathroom alone and there's no toilet paper in your stall... Well, that never happens when you go with a friend!

10. Other women will go on a diet with you and they will go with you on a mission in the middle of the night to find chocolate cake.



My sister, Denise, and I a few
days ago.



11. Female friends will drive by your crush's house with you. Over and over again. And twice on Saturday nights.

12. Women come in all shapes and sizes and colors. And the personality & talent variety is amazing. The reason that is so great is because you are not limited to your shallow attractions when picking out your female friends like you are when choosing a mate. AND can have as many as you want. They can come from work or live in your neighborhood. You can meet them at school or church or the gym. They can be your sisters or your cousins or your aunts or your sister's cousin's aunt. There are no rules. And that is so very liberating.

Now go hug your friends. Or find some. It's good for you!

Day 4: Holding On

Letting go. I'm not good at it. In fact the only thing I am worse at is saying no. But you reach a point in your life when you wake up and you stop trying to convince yourself that you'd be ok if he'd call or if he'd show up. And you stop waiting on her to like you or to ask you to be her BFF. One day, your happiness and completeness and fulfillment and success and value no longer depends on anyone other than... YOU. But finding your way to the place where holding on transforms to letting go can be a long and painful process.

Shortly after the new year, I performed my annual cell phone cleaning. Scrolling through my contact list, I paused on a name now and again, weighed and measured the relationship & that person's role in my life and then decided whether or not to hit DELETE. It was the most dramatic cell phone wipe that I've ever experienced because I had been holding on to people who had let go of me a long time ago.

Oprah Winfrey once said, "think about any attachments that are depleting your emotional reserves and consider letting them go."

I'd say the same. What is prohibiting your happiness? Who is distracting you from your life's possibilities? What are you doing that is blocking your blessings? Might be time to let go. Start with cleaning out your phone. Get the tough stuff over with first!

Day 3: Hopeless Jock

Somewhere in a box in my mom's basement, there are pictures of two-year-old me in a baseball cap with a ball in one hand and a glove on the other sitting on the back steps. I loved my hat. Here I am wearing it while hanging out with my cousin Kevin. I quickly fell in love with playing ball too.


By the time I was eight years old, I played volleyball, basketball and softball. My good fortune allowed me to play two of those three sports all the way through college and for many years after.


But just over twelve years ago, I was in a car accident that changed my life. I walked away but soon after began experiencing pain. Eight months after that accident, on my drive to work, I sneezed and triggered the implosion of a disc in my lower back. Instantly, I was paralyzed on my lower half. Every muscle from my waist to my toes contracted in a panic and four hours later, as I laid in the emergency room, the damage was not only done but some of it was irreversible.


Doctors performed emergency back surgery and, for weeks, I laid on the couch watching the Food Network and MTV. In the following months, I regained some sensation in the lower half of my body but my left leg never recovered. The muscle atrophied and I lost the use of most of my left foot.


For years, I stopped trying to build my strength back up and get back to normal. But since I've been working toward becoming the best me I can before I turn 40, I've been testing my limits again and... I've failed many times.  Most recently, I failed a zumba. It actually brought me to tears. It wasn't about the zumba. I was sad that things just aren't like they used to be. And they never will be.


My God, time flies. It seems like yesterday I was this young, athletic jock, hopelessly addicted to all things sports. Now (*gasp*) I'm chasing down 40 and just doing whatever this aging body will allow.

Day 2: Life Begins at 40

To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily.  To not dare is to lose oneself. ~Soren Kierkegaard

Rest and relaxation do not come easy to me. Neither does saying "no." But in a moment of true liberation, I realized that what happens in this life, in my life, is really up to me. And sometimes you have to lose your footing in order to hold on to yourself, as Kierkegaard said.

The day I realized that, I quit my job. After careful consideration, I knew that a career change was in order. I decided that I wanted to work in an environment where I felt appreciated, where I could contribute my talents and abilities to work that made a difference in the world and where my boss would not demean and berate me. In an instant, I leapt off the edge into a sea of unemployment and uncertainty.

For the last 12 weeks, I have had to learn to sit back and let life unfold before me. But I am a firm believer that when you take a leap of faith... When you know in your heart of hearts that you need to make a dramatic change in your life... When you are keenly aware that the time is right for taking a risk... Life rewards you. I tell people all the time that you have to GO with that little voice inside you. Most of the time...

Last week, I started to work toward earning my master's degree in teaching communication arts. There have been many days when I've thought I missed my calling as a teacher. Today, I accepted a job offer with a communications firm that basically specializes in public service. My projects will center around the efforts of non-profit organizations and improving the quality of life for many. I hope I have made a change that will be the start of my contribution to making this world a better place to live.

Some people say that 40 is the new 20. Others say life begins at 40. I'll take them both. I'm expecting great things ahead. You should too!

Day 1: Quality of Life

Dr. Martin Luther King once said, " The quality, not the longevity, of one's life is what is important." So I decided to start the first of my 40 days 'til 40 with an effort to improve my quality of life.

I've been working out with a trainer for a year. I lost about 25 pounds but I increased my strength and expanded my flexibility immensely. My arthritis no longer runs my life and I can climb a set of stairs without gritting my teeth. My trainer is young and full of energy and she enjoys pushing me. It's been a great year.

But with only 40 days until my 40th birthday I decided to crank it up a notch. My day began with an hour on the bike and an upper body weight-lifting workout, followed by this delicious 280 calorie egg sandwich. That's a bagel thin holding it together. I LOVE them. They are a little sweet and just enough bread to keep this carb lover happy.

My whole life I have struggled with my weight even though I love being active. They say it takes about 3 weeks to change a habit. That's 21 days. I think I have just enough time to change a lifetime of habits before we begin the next 40 years of fun.

40 is HUGE!

I don't think most people understand the magnitude of turning 40 years old. And by most people, I mean people who haven't turned 40 or people who are not looking down the barrel of 40. It's huge. It really is. And in 40 days, I will be turning 40.

Just to show you how big it is, I am going to blog for the next 40 days, chronicling my life up to the top. The top of the hill that is. You know, the hill that you supposedly go OVER when you turn 50. If that's the case, I figure 40 is when you arrive at the top. It's that perfect spot for looking back over the first chunk of your life and for looking forward out over the expanse of the years to come. Sounds ethereal and dreamy, doesn't it?

So here we go, friends. Fasten your seat belts! Grab your popcorn! And some of you might want to have your helmets & heavy armor on stand by. We're on our way to the top! And it's gonna be HUGE!