Day 12: Parental Guidance

One day I woke up and my parents were wearing elastic pants and Velcro shoes. Literally, one day... It happened. I left their house, went to sleep in my own bed at my own place and when I saw them again, they looked old to me.

I mean no offense to my parents when I say that. They are in their 70's and they have always looked much younger. But the last few years have aged them. This last 6 months has been particularly difficult. My dad has had two surgeries and I've watched my mom lose her glasses about 12 or 15 times. ( I won't tell you some of the places I've found them.)

My relationship with my parents is probably the relationship that I am least comfortable writing about or discussing. Partly because we have not always been close but mostly because the weight of the guilt I feel because I am not incredibly close to them is unbearable. But no matter the closeness between a child and a parent, watching your mom and dad grow old is saddening and maddening and scary.

For the last few years, I have lived with my parents. I call them my roommates which makes them laugh. Tonight, on the news, an anchor recounted a story about the last big snow storm in St. Louis during which a man had the opportunity to get to know his neighbor. The man and his neighbor are now married. I laughed. I am not going to meet anyone new in my building when I get snowed in! But I have gained a lot of knowledge while living here. I have heard tremendous stories of their childhoods and I've sat quietly, watching them hold hands or listening to them have the same conversation they had yesterday and the day before.

They watch old movies as if it's the first time they've seen them and they are scared to death of technology. Yet they are light years ahead of many of their counterparts who are stuck in their "ways." They are often surprisingly open-minded and all they really want is happiness for my sister and I. I remember one day as I wallowed in self-pity, my mom offered to give me every dime she had if it would make me happy. They feel responsible for how satisfied we are in life and part of that is because times weren't always easy growing up.

I am grateful for this time we've had. Do I miss my alone time? Yes. Do I cherish late nights after they've gone to bed and any opportunity I get to take a long hot bath? Of course. Do I often wish that someone else could be here to help them out and that I could just visit or come to dinner once in a while? Most definitely. And I feel horrible about it. Because they have given me a lot.

I know that in spite of the parental guidance I've received that I did not turn out they way they thought I would. You never know what your going to get with your kids. I imagine it's even more of a gamble when you adopt! But on the days when my mom says, "You're a really good person, Michele" and the moments when my dad says he's proud of me, I know that there's still hope for me to make the mark and do right by them. I choose not to think about what I would do without them. I must do a better job of enjoying my time with them. But a little apartment around the corner might be in order!