Every month, I anticipate her arrival. For years, she showed up like clockwork. Same day. Same time. Now she just rolls on in any time she feels like it. There's no planning any more. Eventually, I expect she'll stop showing up altogether.
For years I cursed her visits. That was back when she and I were just getting acquainted. I wished her out of my life. All she did was cause me pain and embarrassment. She was a bad influence. Every time she was around my mood changed dramatically. I was irritable and cranky and cried at the drop of a dime. What was the point?! She offered no real value to my life. She just got in the way.
Later on, after knowing her for years and understanding her purpose in my life, I appreciate our get-togethers. I recall a few times when I didn't think she'd make an appearance. And then I missed her desperately. I prayed that she'd come back again. "Please God!" I begged. "Just let her come." Sure enough, she'd surprise me a few days late. Then I praised her and thanked God. Until our next rendezvous... Then I hated her again.
Our relationship has become a bit erratic of late. The time between her visits varies. She seems to avoid me when I'm totally stressed out which is probably smart but that stresses me out even more because I've come to depend on her arrival. And our interactions have taken on a desperate undertone. She didn't tell me that I was allotted only a certain number of trysts with her in my lifetime until that number dwindled dramatically. And then... sadness enveloped us. She and I. For her arrival now means two things: there's not much time left and another month has passed that I am not pregnant.
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